... word vom....

take the below post for what it is... the utterly pointless ramblings of a Cultural Studies major asked to sum up how her degree applies to the industry which she works in and lives in....

I just saw a commercial for a rerun of the MMVAs with clips from the two-hour live broadcast, and seeing all the biggest stars in pop culture, gathered on the streets of  Toronto’s entertainment district.  There were a decent amount of Canadians stars on that stage.

… And not the minor Canadian celebrities that MuchMusic has always trotted out in order to reach some kind of CanCon quota. We had Justin Bieber, we had Drake, Hedley, Shenae Gimes…

Don’t get me wrong, I am not defending the talent of these people. I know as much as the next guy that they are all pretty much fluff or drivel, at best. But they are certifiably famous. Famous in the annoying TeenBeat, CW, Perez Hilton kinda way…

Canadians have really entered the world arena... And they have done it as Canadians. The fact that the telecast of this awards rivalled the cheesiest the CW or Nickelodeon could come up with attests to that fact. Except it was distinctly Canadian. 

The show is filmed live in the streets of a city that is currently being locked down for an International Political Summit, the G20. And its born of necessity. Toronto has no Kodak theatre. there is just no camera ready venue in Toronto. But that colours the semiotics of the product as much as if it were a conscious decision. But that openness, that inclusion, the agora created by including everyone and anyone that happened on Queen and John on Sunday evening (even though only a moron or a sadist would have approached it without a backstage pass) is the exact thing that you are seeing at the Grammys, the MTV Movie Awards, and the Oscars. Call it the influence of the internet. Call it the inevitable and long-awaited  democracy and equality that has been growing for years. But the world is ready to see itself, in all its weird and varied, disparate and beautiful glory. 

All the stars up on those stages are moving further and further away from the stick thin or big muscled empty vessel that characterized the 1990s. We want to see some PERSONALITY (even if it is in whitewashed and measured doses... so as not to scare the white bread). We want our Kate Perry's, our GaGa's , our Miley "cant be tamed" Cyrus... We want the people we put at the middle of our lives stories to be whoever the hell they are... just like we want to be, and still believe that we can be the star of our own story. 


And thats what the MMVAs delivered. For the people, Of the people.

In short, Muchmusic, the most Canadian broadcaster i can think of that is not run by the Government, nailed it.

But they had help from popular opinion. Its kind of just our time to shine, the “celebrity” is more and more closely resembling the Archetype of the Canadian Hero. a misfit that has been developed over centuries of film, tv, books and theatre in the “other” North American country.

This particular idea, of the Canadian as a deviant antihero, is a theory I have been compiling for the better part of a decade. The Canadian Hero has always jumped out at me as being defined only as being the “other”. He’s an antihero. She’s quirky, he’s dark, she’s a deviant.

Being located just to North of the 49^th parallel has given this country a complex, to be sure. Since the dawn of the TV age, and through the rise of Cinema, The USA has been the frontrunner on the world stage. And not just on the screen. They have led the way in arenas of business, politics, military, and definitely cultural production. And Canada has always lived on the edges of that bright shining spotlight. 

We are the nice next door neighbour, the reliable, slightly dumpy yet utterly lovable cousin. we are the black sheep of the family.

Canadians are almost American, but not quite. And our National Identity has been built in defining the ways we are Not with a capital N. Not Republican, Not Warmongers, Not Mainstream, Not Closeminded. We are defined by the paradigm that surrounds the American Patriot.

However, in a post-911, post-Bush, post-Guantanamo, post-Economic Crash world it is just that person, the NOTS, that are being celebrated and pushed into the worlds eyes as heros and role models.

It is the deviants, the creative’s, the open-minded, open-armed friends of the world that we need at the forefront, and the US Cultural Machine has a ready pool of talent to draw from.

Its been building slowly since the fall of Bush and the rise of the Yes We Can ObamaNation. Popular Culture wants a leader that is Not everything they have had. an antonym to the last decade.

and we, as a nation, have been studying them carefully for a century. We mimic their products, their customs, their costumes, but just NOT QUITE. We are the Other.

And the world needs a little Other right now.

Hurray for the Other.

... the pursuit....

from Late Nights on Air by Elizabeth Hay:

"Oh, Harry," she said, "I wish I were a different kind of person."

He took off his glasses with one hand, a gesture she loved, and studied her. He was exposing himself to her gaze even as he was seeing her with his own eyes.

What kind of person, he wanted to know.

"Someone," she said slowly, "who truly loves life."

He was still looking at her, still cradling his glasses in his left hand. He said, "You're the kind of person who never stops trying."

***********************

i don't know, in some ways, i think that the person always trying has it better off.

... summer gone....

an excerpt from David MacFarlane's Summer Gone (http://www.randomhouse.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780676972801):

"The trailed over the red-brown path, around outcrops of granite and the sheltered clusters of wodden cabins, through the maze of juniper, and over the spine of the northern island to the little bay. Alone, well behind them, their counsellor followed.
"Most of them would not remember this. They would forget names and faces and voices. Things would go.
"But this was also true: every now and then, in one city or another, in high-rises, or townhouses, in unsatisfactory rented rooms, in expensive hotels, in deep suburban silences, alone, or with their unconsoling wives or lovers turning away from their empty arms, they would each dream about the path across the island
"They would know every rock and root and turn and deop. They would feel the weightless air, see the particular skein of a summer evening, smell the pine-needled turf of their racing footfall"


********


I have a path like that, that i can go to in my mind. I'm definitely a lucky girl

.... Lennon LIVE(s)....

... Of course the legendary spirit of John Lennon, as well as his contribution to music, political and cultural history will never be forgotten.

And lately it has been hard for me to avoid... My new landlord is a Beatlemaniac.... The common area of my new house is covered with Beatles original tour posters in Italian and framed photos of John Lennon. When he told my postal code... it went like this.... McCartney 6 Harrison, 2 Yoko 8.... Its awesome... I can never remember my postal code... now I can't forget it.

And on April 23 there will be one more item to add to the collection. Shout Factory will be releasing a DVD of the concert John Lennon gave with the Plastic Ono Band in 1969.

For Those of you who don't know about the Plastic Ono band, you should start by reading the wikipedia entry. Basically, you know they say Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles... it was basically through the Plastic Ono Band that this was accomplished.

The "band" was formed PBB (Pre Beatles Break-up) to refer to the artists that would collaborate with John Lennon and Yoko Ono on their various musical endeavours. With names like Eric Clapton, Alan White, Klaus Voorman and so many more (including two of the beatles Geaorge and Ringo). And with the musical buffet set before him... the fate of the "rigid" structure imposed by the Beatles was sealed....

Anyway, in 1969, at the very last moment John, Yoko, Clapton, Voorman and White jumped a plane to Toronto to take part in the Toronto Rock'n'Roll Revival, a concert Rolling Stone has called only second in importance to woodstock....

And it all happened at Varsity Arena!!! Let me assure you, the coolest thing I have ever been to at Varsity Arena is a Club Monaco Sample Sale... and it wasn't that great.....

I am gonna have to start to do some digging around about this event... because it combines so many of my favourite things: pop culture, celebrity, music, the 60s and Toronto!

I am definitely gonna start by pre-ordering the Shout Factory DVD and giving it a watch next week.....

... Stone Fox on the interweb....

So, back in college, when I still entertained the thought that I would one day be a great filmmaker, I used to make stuff....

My friend Zayna and I ran the campus tv station, TVMcGill, which by the way, is awesome to this day (due to my legacy, i'm sure)

Anyway, we use to misappropriate the resources to create our own projects... and this one time, we made a music video for a friends band, by editing it for three straight days during the run up to finals in our last year of school. Holed up in the student union for 72 hours we thought we were creating genius. we were actually creating this:




Now, about five years later, I found it on an afternoon of youtube googling phrases from my personal histopry to see what comes up.... I have absolutely no idea how it got there... as the master miniDV and Beta tapes are somewhere in a box in my apartment collecting dust with my books by Kant and Derrida. But I am happy it did.

Maybe not so my viral internet fame can begin, but definitely because watching it brought back the memories of making it, and those were some of the best days in all the ones I have spent toiling away in the movie industry.

And so I thought I might provide a little how to guide on how to make a horrible music video and guarantee a locked in love for filmmaking and future internet embarassment

DO: Create a dummy production company and change your cell phone answering machine to reflect it, thus giving you a home base to secure corporate sponsorship, thus ensuring you do not run up your parents credit card to make your masterpiece

DO NOT: Answer your cell after you have started drinking at night, or before you aare fully awake the next morning, inspiring your sponsor contact to ask "are you really a professional producer? are you a student?" and causing you to have to do a lot of grovelling and finance most of the video with the credit card your parents don't know about (yet)

DO: Figure out your concept and storyboards early, stick to it and follow through.

DO NOT: come up with a narrative that no one is EVER going to understand like... say... I don't know... a guy who wakes up on the roof in a kiddy pool and can't remember where he was or what he was doing the previous evening, causing him to recall it in flashbacks as he walk the streets of Montreal, only to realize that he had stolen the band's mojo and all the flashbacks were actually the aforementioned band chasing him through the streets, and when he finally puts it altogether he just happens to have mentioned the bands practice space, where they are currently practicing in pajamas, causing yet another chase down the block..... Trust me, you will get it, it won't be clear to anyone else.


DO: Prepare as much of the wardrobe, makeup, props, locations, extras, etc in advance

DO NOT: back down from any last minute challenges or changes. Some that we dealt with here were:
-you aren't actually allowed to shoot in the montreal metro, which we did... so it was my job to distract any and all approaching subway cops while the band shot with the DP. I played stupid lost anglophone about 15 times, french subway cops are mean
-The purple footie pajamas for one of the band members were too bright through the camera, we threw them in a mud puddle, then into a drier at the local laundromat, and they were good to go
-we had NO shots of the dickies clothes or logo when they finally came through with the funds on our last day of shooting... we just went back and reshot some dickie's beauty shots... corporate selling out was ingrained in us early
-we couldn't actually get our hands on a smoke machine to create a "smoke rising from an open bag" to signify the bands mojo... instead we had friends take turns hauling down smokes and breathing out the plumes through a hose we inserted througha hole in the bottom of a knapsack.... we killed a lot of brain cells for our art

DO: Always keep food and snacks on hand to keep everyone happy during the day

DO NOT: Let your main talent get loaded and show up 15 minutes before his call time... The coffee and breakfast burritos you have on hand will sober him up and entice him enough to shoot, but you will end up having to make him look that haggard and hungover for the rest of the shoot

DO: do this... its a once in a lifetime opportunity to be this self-indulgent and have this much fun with almost no consequences....

DO NOT: take yourself to seriously.... in the end, the only thing that will happen is a few hundred people seeing it on youtube a half-decade later, just have fun with it.

... so funny, I was just thinking about no name...

... when i was a kid, more often than not my after school snack consisted of no name chicken bologna... i would wrap pickles in it, or cheese soldiers (which, for those of you not awesome like me, is cheese cut into sticks, when lined all up in a row look like soldiers)...

... it was awesome! sounds gross i know, and to be completely honest, it was a little gross. chicken bologna is basically the ground up pieces of the chicken that no one would possibly purchase in their original condition, reconstituted and sliced and sold 15 to a package... And it was constantly in my fridge, i have this vivid memory of my dady, coming home from the office, still in his coat, smelling like winter, standing by the open fridge door and eating it straight from the package.... 

and it looks like it could be again. They discontinued the no name line of products in the early 90s. It was all the rage in the early 80s. introduced in 1978, after a big economic crisis it offered people  simple food, cheap. It died and was replaced by President's Choice in the Reagan happy, label loving late 80's. We were supposed to be happy about it, because a great friend of the family (coincidentally one of my still all-time favourite people on earth) was integral in the development of the new line. But truth is, I missed that thickly sliced chicken bologna in the bright yellow packaging that was a constant in my childhood snacktime. 

And now it looks like it may become a part of my cheap living, squatter diet, because THEY ARE BRINGIING BACK NO NAME!!!! I was just thinking they should, the other day... no odea how it came to mind, but i was thinking that with the economy being what it is, and the brand landscape littered with superfluous luxury, a good, reliable economy brand that is not associated with negative connotations, and as a strong tie to a powerbrand would do so well.

And tonight, on my TV, there is Galen Weston, hocking the no name brand.

The question is, whats the skinny on the chicken bologna?

.. as much as i love cheese....

the cheese council of canada... or whoever the demi-gods of cheddar are in this country... they may have just made cheese even better with their new website

...fuck, i think baudrillard may be right...

That dude used to really piss me off.... Back when i was in school and smart enough to understand simulacra and simulation and getting mad at french philosophers was still something I did...

... and the thing is … on occasion, he still makes me mad...

It doesn't come up a whole lot... but occasionally i will see something and my knee jerk reaction is to blame Jean Baudrillard. It’s weird, i'll admit, but it happens.. and when I try to explain it I generally get some weird looks… I try and just say that… basically, Baudrillard is the guy whose ideas they based the Matrix on…

But I am really thinking that Baudrillard is having a big laugh… because his ideas being inspiration for anyone would be the exact punch line to his big joke…

Baudrillard was your basic shit disturber. He built on everything McLuhan said (you know, that guy from the heritage /canada commercials). And whatever positive, stoic, utilitarian, ‘best foot forward’ Canadian way McLuhan saw things... Baudrillard imprinted his smoky, Les Miserables, gauloise smoking stank on it...

McLuhan saw all technology and communication evolving as a way to extend the human body, which allows increased interaction with original meaning, all with the aim of more fully understanding the world around us. Baudrillard, on the other hand, says that everything we have created ... from cave drawings to the iphone all removes us one more step from original meaning.... 

... And Baudrillard gets much sunnier after that saying that, basically, there's really no point in even trying to understand the world you live in...  that everything is a copy of a copy of a copy, and all that xeroxing has really left nothing thats legible... and the only reason why we aren't outraged by the whole thing is because all the copying left us dumb enough not to be bothered much.... We don't really feel or think anymore, because we never really had any idea what feeling or thinking felt like... seeing as how we were learning from these really smudgy illegible copies.... He really was a real drag... 

And he admitted to not really believing this dystopian a view could ever grow into a  wasteland that could have inspired the Matrix… but he was just stretching out a possibility…. A possibility that also servied to torture me for eight months in my last year at university, in 501A –Theories in Spectatorship Thesis… (that’s eight months, 24 books and one-fifty page paper worth 100%)… I spent that eight months wanting to walk up to Baudrillard and pinch him... ask him if he felt that... bitch…

... It all sort of went away about four months after graduation. Several cottage parties later and week into my first "real" job i realized no one actually cared what Baudrillard said and that he was be nowhere to be found in my day-to-day life... even after i had spent so many of those thesis pages trying to dissprove him...

That is… except for when some trivial pursuit-esque fact or story reminds me that Baudrillard may actually know what he was talking about...

Like tonight,  I read that Kurt Sutter (who wrote for the Shield and created my fave new tv series Sons of Anarchy) just wrote a script for a film which – if its made - will be called The Unforgettable... and this movie, if you are to believe the imdb.com boards (and one ALWAYS should, those movie nerds know everything) is based on a PSP game which cites as its influences movies like Se7en and Silence of the Lambs... and that can go back further and further....

And all of a sudden I feel myself hating Baudrillard…

 

Obviously, it would be way more cheerful if one were to ultimately live in McLuhan’s World…. It makes the world a much brighter place - a hybrid car,  terry fox run, lifesaving surgery kind of  world… If Baudrillard reigns you may as well tune in, turn on,,, turn off… nothings gonna get any better, better just ignore it as it gets worse… or get mad about it.

In life, it is these small moments that make me wonder whether ultimately I am a Baudrillard or a McLuhan… seems stupid, but everyone makes those decisions qbout which path they are taking, over and over, every day… even if they don’t think so.

Put it this way... are you going to see The Unforgettable?

 

See if people would just take the time to listen to me it would all make sense… but really, only to me and I think, in the long run, it would be easier if just stop using the word Baudrillard in public... 

... feel the rhythm... feel the rhyme....

Come on bitches, uts BOBSLED TIME!!!!


That is right, Jamaica's bobsled team is back in Canada and training for the 2010 olympics.

that means we may possibly be looking at a sequel to one of my favourite live action disney films of all time!!!!

Its just so full of pride, and drama and moments to make you cry like a little school girl... how can you not love it, and cheer for the Jamaican bobsled team, even when your heart is entrenched in Canadian nationalism?



"British Alliance Member: We must also be concerned about the potential for embarrassment.
Irv: Oh, pardon me. I didn't realize that four black guys in a bobsled could make you blush. "

...infinite jest....

... have you ever read this?....

...I have a theory no one ever has... i think it's in one of my notes, somewhere a while back....

...Myself, I have tried it at least a dozen times, make that a baker's dozen... i think it's great, but i always take too long a break before coming back to the middle of it and feel the need to start again... i simply cannot accept that i am SUPPOSED to be that confused....

I did, however, collect, in my experience with this book, that THIS aspect of it was a negative thing....

...do you really want to live in a world that David Foster Wallace's sick imagination created.... especially if no one has read to the end to findd out how it all ends?

... RIP Honest Ed....

...The man who brought us the largest and most economical eyesore, at the corner of Bathurst and Bloor has left us today....

Ed Mirvish was an entrepreneur, a cultural enthusiast, a family man and a philanthroper....

A big Man with a big smile... a piece of toronto's history... he will be missed

...officially the best link I have ever been sent on a monday morning....

....sent to me by a friend who, arguably, has gotten me into more trouble than most anyone else.... and the only thing that could make me laugh on a swelteringly humid monday morning on a night after no sleep due to extreme heat, and a weekend where ... ahem.... outside forces... made me make probably a bit of a fool of myself in front of a boy i like....

....THIS is pure internet gold....

.....it's still got it.....

I went to go see HIGHWAY 61 last night on the big screen. FilmCan, was celebrating their ninth issue by doing a small tribute to Bruce McDonald, one of Canada's amazing contemporary, off-the-wall, independent, cinematic auteurs.... A better bio can be found for him on the Canadian Film Encyclopedia, but it can't be hyperlinked directly... so you are just gonna have to look it up if you are interested.... but you should... it's great (and i am not just plugging it because it is a part of TIFFG and i see the people who toil on it til midnights most days... it's actually awesome)

But back to H61..... the movie is from 1990... and I saw it somewhere in and around 2000 (when I started really going crazy for all celluloid Canadian) and its just a whacked out road film that follows a barber, a roadie and a corpse from the northern tip of the route of Rock'nRoll, in Thunder Bay, down to the roots of Jazz in New Orleans.... and, I have to mention, they are being chased by a nutty entrepreneur who believes he is Satan himself, who is trying to redeem the soul of the dead guy, who traded it to him for a bus ticket....

Going in I was a little nervous that I wouldn't love it as much as I did the first time... I have to admit, I have recently begun to be so high on Canadian film that I am wont to push for it, sight unseen, and even if I know it to be... well, "not the best". But I honestly love this film... it is one of my very favourites, Canadian or no.... and it was just like the first time all over again....

Bruce McDonald, and Don McKellar (bleh... I will explain another time my problems with this guy, in this movie, I love him) were in attendance and, as every time I see them, revealed really great stories that typify the behind-the-scenes of Canadian film, or any grassroots, no money, gootta love it production scene. They really are the reason I stay involved in film....

I was asked once by a Canadian director, who shall remain nameless, what makes a Canadian film Canadian. The man was cynical and disappointed by a distribution system for films in this country that just does not work. He had made a GREAT film, another one of my favourites, and it had flopped at the box office, when it didn't deserve to. He was tired and drained and angry and just didn't want to be a representative of a Country that the industry he was trying to gain respect from just had no time for. I couldn't answer him at the time.....

....but now (in the classic fashion of coming up with a witty retort waaaaaaaaay too late) I have to say..... Canadian film is a noble tradition of guerilla warfare.... monkey warfare.... It is a collective that has in common, at its heart, not a theme, or subject or nationality, but a love to succeed in a place where no one is pulling for you... to make your way out into the world to say "look at me, I am weird, and funny, self-deprecating, important, and I have got something to fucking say......" and doing that despite given the obstacles and bureaucrativ hoops that are thrown at you every which way..... it is going to New Orleans, needing a biker gang for a scene and putting the call out on the radio, so that you have actual hell's angels show up on their hogs... its getting beat up by those same Angels, after giving them $100 each and all the beer they can drink, letting them ride drunk around your government-paid for equipnment and having a raucous good time doing it.... it's geting the shot and cutting it together... its, almost two-decades later, talking about it like it was the best time of your life.... It's a love of the doing and not the respect of having done that makes you a Canadian filmmaker.....

....It's still around.... and I FUCKING love it!

.... the verdict's in....

....i started this post yesterday, so forgive me for being a bit behind, but contrary to popular opinion I actually have to WORK sometimes.... really cuts in to my pointless rambling time....

So, the federal government handed down the new Budget Monday.... and, like everything else in this country.... it really did not cause a stir.... What can I say, politics in this country are just not that big a deal.... we are fairly middle of the road, whether under a Conservative or Liberal Government we do our very best to be pleasant.... I am definitely not complaining...
The Budget does its bestest to cut a break to the individual in this country, like most Canadian policy does.... I am more than happy to live in a nation of social welfare... I wuold like to point out, though, that this calm water allows a lot of stuff to slip through, or, rather, a lot of nothing.....

This is an excerpt from an email circulated at my office yesterday:


"....Here's a quick overview of what the new budget means for culture.....



........Diddly squat.



The budget speech was silent on the sector, save a reference that the arts have benefited from $20 million raised through last year’s improved incentives for donations of securities to public charities. The 2007 budget expands this incentive to private foundations.

In the budget plan, there is a section on ‘celebrating culture’. The budget provides for a few programmes, with an emphasis on heritage and museums, worth about $40 million. Oh, and Quebec gets $82 million for several programmes including a Francophonie Summit in Quebec City. Gotta secure those Bloc votes.

Reaction from the sector can be described as guarded and disappointed."


Truth is, as private citizens, we are wary of rocking the boat.... We know we have it good in Canada, and its definitely not worth sacrificing what is Fan-fucking-tastic about this country for "Arts Funding" (read with a la-di-da tone please)....

.... Cuz the best art, to be honest, is created in wartorn, dictatorial, fucked up countries by angry, passionate, fucked over people..... Tolstoy, Swift, Buena Vista Social Club.... The Clash... These were all seen as artists born out of confliict and turmoil.... None of them received Grants....

There is, however, a program, at the moment, that I think would divert funds, without requiring more from individuals, and leave the money in the hands of people that are in the best position to seek out the level of conflict that does remain in Canada. The One Cent Now campaign is being spearheaded by David Miller, and other municipal leaders around the country, and asks that one of the six cents on every dollar that people currently pay in GST to the Federal government be given to the Munipalities to redistribute through their programmings and services. The Feds have already said that this one cent is almost unnecessary and I beg to differ.... The National level of Government is just too far away to see it.... Give the money to people who are face to face with problems, underfunded youth programs, shelters, arts grants, soup kitchens, afterschool programs, outreach.... all of these could profit from Harper's extra pennies.

Its worth taking a look at... It's worth supporting.... Just think what a second and a penny could do. (Like pay the salary of this poor not-for-profit employee)

.... weird sex and snowshoes....

.... i definitely cannot take credit for that FANTASTIC descriptor above.... it is the name a book by Katherine Monk, as well as the subsequent film that deal with the strange phenomena that is Canadian Film..... Basically it boils down to the fact that Canadians are weird, and frickin proud of it, eh!

Monk is saying in this book that if you were to boil down a Canadian film like so much maple sap you would get a sticky syrup of awkward sex pitched against a barren northern landscape

Now, maybe it is BECAUSE it is so damn cold up here, but Canadians love their sexual relations (not that I am diminishing the ardour or ability of other nationalities.... we just need to do something to keep warm) and it is reflected not just in film, but almost all our cultural products....

This was brought back to my attention this morning, when standing at the bus stop I was confronted with a poster for the Juno awards...... Nelly Furtado, who is hosting, is featured holding a gigantic, oversized, cartoon nipple, blown from the finest glass.... its sort of odd....

....Then I recalled a conversation that I had at last years Genie Award Nomination cocktail.... I was a little tipsy from my complimentary champagne cocktails and talking with Michael Mabbott (a great Canadian director, obsessed with sex in his own special way.... as well as a Canadian I would gladly hop in the sack with).... we had got to talking about the awards and somehow, due to the booze, and aided by the hugely disabling foot-in-mouth disease I seem to suffer from whenever I am talking to someone I am trying to impress I exclaimed how much the statuette resembled a cock'n'balls .

Suffice it to say, I was instantly mortified... and it did not prove to be a successful pick up line.... But it is odd, that Canadians have the symbols of cultural distinction so closely resembling such...intimate... items.... Perhaps we want the best of the best to have the tools at their disposal to continue on their weird sex journey....

"Congratulations, we think your swell, have sex toy... lets see what you can do with this!...eh"