I had one of those huge state of the union talks with one of my friends tonight. He is in a new relationship... as he has been several times over the last year... and he said something that struck me as so true that i felt the need to share it with everyone (if anyone actually is reading this) he said:
I think love is what happens after you stop wondering why it has to be so hard.
I loved it so much i almost leaped across the table and kissed him! It's so true. cuz you can care for someone so deeply and be in such the wrong place that it can't possibly be right. It's the whole right place right time thing... and it brings in that "you just know" thing. you don't know cuz it's easy, you know because...well... because you just know. And no matter how easy, or right on paper it may be, it can be just not right, and if you are worrying about whether it is, it probably isn't.
The truth is, if it is meant to work, you are gonna worry about how, not why. Why isn't even a factor.
That was my parents problem, or rather, they are the illustration of their generations problem.... they didn't care about why...Not at first anyway. See, our grandparents way worked... they didn't care about why, they just asked the other questions. the answer to why was "because" or even "we have to"... Our parents, they were raised this way, and then collective consciousness showed them that there were other options... than they started to se them, make them attainable, and stop thinking they owed anyone anything.... Now we "owe it to ourselves," and to the people around us, as we cannot serve them until we know how to serve ourselves... we have been somewhat forced into self-analysis. In this modern world of pop psychology and over-rationalization, "WHY" has been drilled into us, and we can't even begin to consider how, where, when, or anything else, unless that ever-ethereal why, is not an issue.
The problem of course is that why is always countered by "why not?" The problem now is, that why not has also grown exponentially, with quicky divorce, fast food, microwave, internet mentality. Everything that is done can be done faster, and undone just as quickly. It can be erased, and with valium, be like it never happened at all.
I think this may be why i am so relationship-phobic. I due to circumstance and parent-induced psychosis, got forced, very young, to ask myself "why" when it wasn't even a quetion i could even begin to answer, or even have the courage to deal with. Now it is so ever-present in my mind that that gut feeling, that fear, that doubt, has become so familiar that even the slightest whiff of it can send me running.
Am I luckier? cuz I won't end up in the wrong situation? or am i dooming myself to fail? cuz I am not allowing myself the chance to make something of nothing. Can you make something from nothing, or must you discover something that was there all along?
there are no answers, I know. and my own solution will happen as it happens, no matter what anyone says... I really don't care that much... I think, even at 20-whatever, I have seen and experienced enough to know that it all keeps going, and like it or not, I will end up somewhere, somehow, and that my own nature won't let me stay if it ain't no good (yes, I likes me some honky-talk)....
This seem to take a more stream of consciousness approach that I was not really going for... If you read this far you must be fucking bored out of your mind.
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